I don’t really want to get into why, but I lost my job and needed some quick cash. I’ve done various research studies and medical trials for cash before,

I don’t really want to get into why, but I lost my job and needed some quick cash. I’ve done various research studies and medical trials for cash before, so I thought it would be an easy way to get something to help hold me off until I could find another gig. I came across an ad for a medical study that paid surprisingly well, so I signed up without thinking too much of it.

The building was huge, and I got turned around. The long, identical white hallways all meshed together as one in my head as I tried to find room 312. I arrived late, but the staff was kind and understanding. I was told that this study was on deja vu, and that full participation in this study required the insertion of a microchip into the brain. 

Look, I really didn’t want a chip implanted in my head. But this study paid really well, and I needed the money. 

They told me that deja vu was like a glitch in a particular area of the brain, which they had been able to isolate. Upon insertion, the chip would cause a constant, minor stress to that area of the brain, making deja vu more likely to occur. All I had to do, was record the details of what happened leading up to an “episode” of deja vu that I experienced. That way, they could identify patterns and specific triggers, which they could then use to trigger an episode of deja vu on me inside the lab. There, they could record and monitor the episode for their research.

I signed the consent forms, and the procedure was done right then and there. It was a bit nerve racking to be awake while something went into my skull, but overall it was relatively quick and painless. I did, however, experience a dull ache at the insertion site afterwards, which was one of the side effects they had listed. The other possible side effects included nausea and insomnia, as well as phantom odors, minor confusion, and increased heart rate during an episode. 

So, I expected to have some side effects. I expected to have some minor confusion. But what I have experienced since then has gone so far beyond that, that I no longer know what to do. 

I’ll start with my first episode, which was so tame in comparison to the others but, at the time, really unsettled me. It was about a week after the insertion. I made my morning coffee the same way I do every single morning. I started up a pot of coffee, took the cream out of the fridge, and grabbed a mug, all while the coffee was brewing. The coffee finished brewing, so I picked up the pot and began to pour the coffee into my cup. That’s when I felt it. 

It came on like a rush, as if I had just ridden a wave backwards in time and was reliving a recording of the moment that had passed only seconds ago. I know I pour my coffee this same exact way every morning, but this was different. I hadn’t just poured my coffee like this before, I had lived this very moment. 

The rush wore off, and I was left in a kind of a daze, unlike any time I had experienced deja vu in the past. My vision was fuzzy, and I was on autopilot as I poured the last bit of coffee into my mug. I picked up the mug, and took a sip. 

It wasn’t coffee.

The unfamiliar taste caused me to snap out of my daze. My mug was filled with pure cream. Puzzled, I stared at it for some time as I tried to figure out what on earth had just happened. I know I wasn’t paying full attention, but I so vividly remembered picking up the pot of coffee and pouring it into my mug. But when I looked back, the coffee pot was full and untouched. The cap to the cream sat on the counter, and the container of cream was half empty.

They said minor confusion was a side effect that went along with an episode of deja vu, but I started to pour my coffee before the deja vu set in, so it just didn’t make sense. It was unsettling, but I eventually accepted it, attempted to transfer the cream from my mug back into the container, and poured an actual cup of coffee. 

I convinced myself that it wasn’t that big of a deal, which is something I now regret.

The second time I felt deja vu was three days later. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, nothing out of the ordinary. It was as it always was when I brushed my teeth before bed – I didn’t really think too much about what I was doing. My mind was wandering here and there in a few different directions, never fully focused on the actual act of brushing my teeth, but I was still conscious and aware.

Of course I have brushed my teeth in this same spot before, but when the rush of deja vu hit me, I was certain that I had rewound time and was now reliving this same exact experience of brushing my teeth. The way I looked at myself in the mirror, the exact movements of the bristles sweeping across my teeth, side to side, up and down …

The rush faded as I continued to brush, but my mouth tasted absolutely foul. Bitter. It burned. It burned so badly and I couldn’t breathe. I stood over my kitchen sink, my heart beating violently as I desperately gasped for air, simultaneously spitting out a gritty white foamy substance out of my mouth. I spat and spat, but it was still there.

I released the death grip I hadn’t even realized I had on my tooth brush, and frantically reached for the faucet. I yanked the water on, and shoved my head underneath, the water splashing both inside my mouth and all over my face. A powdery substance remained stuck to the insides of my molars, and I swished the water around aggressively in my mouth in an attempt to get rid of it fully. 

After several minutes of rinsing and swishing, I turned off the faucet and paused. Everything was quiet, aside from the occasional ping of the water dripping off of my face and into the metal sink. My mouth burned, and the foul taste lingered. But … I was ok. My panic was subsiding, and I knew I was ok. 

The toothbrush I had previously had a death grip on was sitting next to the kitchen sink. It wasn’t the toothbrush I had used to brush my teeth with regularly, but I recognized it. It was the toothbrush I kept underneath my sink to clean with. And for that, I used Comet: the powdered cleaner. 

This was more than just the unsettling feeling I experienced after the coffee and cream incident, this was chilling. My mouth was still burning, and I couldn’t imagine what would have happened if I had swallowed accidentally. I threw up not too long after that, and that night, I hardly slept at all. I planned to call the research clinic as soon as they opened the following morning and have them remove the chip. 

But of course, the following morning when I called, the clinic was closed. Being unemployed can make you forget what day of the week it is, and that day, I found out, was Saturday. I didn’t want to stay home, but I was too scared to leave. On that day, I watched tv. I didn’t eat, or even brush my teeth. On that day, I did not experience deja vu.

The following day, I couldn’t bear to stay home. I was so afraid that I would be alone and something terrible would happen. These mundane tasks … I didn’t want to do them. I didn’t want to leave, but I forced myself to. I packed my things and went to the gym. I thought that maybe it would be harder to do something stupid while surrounded by so many people. 

My stomach growled on the drive there, but my mouth still burned. Parts, especially near my back molars, were completely raw. I packed my toothbrush just in case, but I was too scared to brush my teeth again. I probably looked awful, but I didn’t care. I hid inside of my baggy hoodie and baseball cap.

Despite being hungry and in pain, the workout actually boosted my spirits quite a bit. I felt much safer being around people, and despite feeling terrified that the deja vu would hit again, for some reason I felt that I would rather it hit here. I worked my arms until they refused to move anymore, and then I went to the stairmaster. 

I don’t know how long I had been climbing the stairmaster for before the rush hit me, but somehow it hit even stronger than it had the previous times. I felt with all my power that I had stepped on this machine in this exact way, precisely, at this exact same time. I had rewound my own timeline and was watching it play out. My vision blurred completely, but I continued to climb.  I climbed up, and up, and up. 

The rush wore off, and I was left in a similar weird daze. But still, I kept climbing – up, and up, and up, only now the sound of my feet hitting the stairs sounded … different. With every step I took, a metallic clang rang out. It was slippery. It was raining.

I slipped and lost my balance. I was jolted out of my daze and instinctively grabbed at a metal post which connected the platform I was on to a handrail. My hands gripped the wet, slippery metal post with what little strength I had left, while my legs dangled in the air about 100 feet up. 

I was hanging off the side of a fire escape, in the rain, trying desperately not to fall to my death. My fingers turned white as they gripped around the post, but they were sliding off – I was going to fall.

I had the most intense boost of adrenaline I’ve ever had in my life, and somehow managed to pull myself up. My fingers slipped off the pole just as I had pulled myself up, then I scrambled forwards frantically and clung on to the side of the building.

I sat crouched in that position for quite some time, I don’t know how long. I never calmed down, but I eventually gained enough courage to begin the climb down. This building looked old and possibly abandoned, and I had no idea how I had gotten there. 

It sat on the stairs, slowly and carefully lowering myself down one step at a time. 

I cried when my feet hit the pavement and I saw my car parked on the street. I didn’t know where I was, but it felt unsafe. There were several abandoned looking warehouse buildings. Bits of trash were being carried up by the wind and then beaten down by the rain, which was now coming down much more heavily than before. 

My phone was sitting on the passenger seat, although I don’t know how it got there. Never in my right mind would I leave it there, especially in an area like this. But I picked it up, typed in directions, and drove straight home, shaking and crying the entire time.

I don’t know how, but I managed to sleep. I woke up early the next morning and stared at my phone until the second it hit 8:00, which was the time the research clinic opened. 

My desperation poured through into my voice as I begged the receptionist to let me come in today and get the chip removed. I explained that I was having very severe side effects, and needed it removed immediately. She was hesitant, but scheduled me for a 3pm appointment. I drove there straight after the phone call and waited in my car for hours. I wasn’t going to take any chances.

I went in at 2:30. I was sick of waiting. I broke down as soon as I walked into the waiting room. I felt so relieved to be here and finally get this thing removed. One of the nurses put her arm around me and guided me back to one of the patient rooms. She took my vitals and waited with me until the main clinician arrived. I remember feeling so grateful that she waited with me. I didn’t want to be alone.

I explained everything to the clinician. He had the audacity to try to convince me to keep the chip in, but I wasn’t going to budge, not after what happened. He explained that confusion was a common side effect, but I told him I didn’t care. I told him his research wasn’t as important as my life, and he reluctantly agreed to remove the chip. 

They prepared everything for the procedure, and I was placed in the exact same chair I sat in before, when they made the insertion just last week.

I sat there in that chair as the clinician spoke to me. He guided me through what he was doing. He told me he was going to make the incision, then said he was going to insert the metal rod used to remove the microchip. I sat as still as I could as the rod was slowly inserted into my head. 

I knew I had sat in that same chair before. I knew I had that same rod inserted into my head. But now, I felt certain that this familiar feeling wasn’t from the first insertion. It was from right then. I had already experienced the removal of the chip, and I was now reliving it. 

I screamed so loud that it made my own ears hurt, and then I went into a daze. Something painful struck my head. It struck again, this time more intense than before. The pain became unbearable as it pounded into my head, over and over, again and again in the same spot. My vision was completely blurred, and the smell of blood filled my nose.

I snapped out of my daze and nearly vomited due to the pain. My eyes darted from side to side. I was afraid to move. But when I looked around, there was no one there. There were no lab assistants, no monitors, equipment, or tools. I was in a large, dark room. The walls had been torn apart, and water leaked through cracks in the ceiling. It was dark, damp, and smelled of mold. 

My head ached terribly, and I instinctively dropped what was in my hand to cover my head, which was bleeding all down my shirt. The clank of metal hit the concrete floor, and I looked down to see a long, metal screw driver covered in blood next to me. I was sitting in this old, run down warehouse with blood pouring from my head and a screwdriver next to me. No one else was here. I had done this.

I hardly remember leaving the warehouse. I had felt so paralyzed inside of there, but I eventually made it outside. My car was parked on the side of the road. It was parked in the same place as yesterday, when I had climbed the fire escape of the building that I now realize was the same building I had just been in. Again, my phone was on the passenger seat. 

I was bleeding profusely and not thinking clearly. I called an ambulance, but they never came. I called the clinic, but they didn’t pick up. I called an ambulance again, but again they never came. I sat in my car for what felt like hours before giving up and driving home.

I’m sitting in bed now, on my phone. I was scrolling for hours, and finally decided to write this post. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try to go to a hospital, but I’m just not sure of anything right now. I really don’t know If I trust anyone to remove the chip, considering what just happened. 

But I realize now, one thing feels certain. As I type this out, it feels so clear. I’ve typed this very sentence before. Just now. This too – I went back, and now I’m here again. This story, these words … I just wrote this. I just wrote this before, and now, just now, I’m writing this again, I’m certain. These words … I’m certain I’ve written them before.